Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Pirates Aren't Sexy

Will be controversial for comments. Disagree, agree, but speak to me, me hardies!

#1: Pirates don’t use toothbrushes:
Imagine you’re sitting across the… uh… banquet table from your beloved Jack. “Jack, honey,” you say, “You have a little something in your teeth.”
“Eh? Right here?” He asks, motioning.
“No. Well, actually…” you grimace, “Yes, there too.”
The good news is everything yellow that he’s eating is blending right in.
Who’s in the mood for some kissin’?
Don’t even get me started on how badly boozy needs a breath mint.

#2: I prefer men who steal hearts and EARN their gold.
“Happy anniversary, me love. The woman it belonged to took great care o’ it. I only steal the best for you!”

#3: Pirates don’t shampoo.
From what I hear, dread locks can just fall right off. You’re back at the banquet table, but you don’t find just one hair in your food. Oh no, my friends. There’s a lock. A long, unwashed lock which was so disgusted by the scalp from which it grew, that it jumped ship. It walked the proverbial plank. If you’re longing to run your fingers through some of his hair though, maybe he’ll let you braid his beard… ‘cuz that’s a turn on.

#4: Pants tucked into high boots, puffy sleeved shirts and hoop earrings.
You boyfriend has been borrowing from your closet again.

#5: The potential for misunderstandings.
Jack’s always out late cavorting with his crew, but it really sets you off when he comes home with this excuse. “Sorry I’m late. I was out lookin’ for some booty.”

#6: He’s just not that into you.
His sense of self-preservation is too strong for heroics. If the enemy has you both cornered at sword point, odds are he’ll throw you to them, yell, “Take the wench!” and save himself. Granted he’ll probably concoct a plan and save you later, telling you that it was his intention all along….but you’ll always wonder why he grabbed the valuables off of you before he let the enemy take you.

#7: Intimacy is a potential hazard.
You may lose a toe while dancing if your pirate steps on your foot with his peg leg, but don’t worry- missing appendages are very common in the pirate world. Just look your pirate in the eye… the one remaining good eye, and tell him that you love him anyway.

#8: Parrots are the worst kind of third wheel.
“Oh darling. How I love you. I treasure you almost as much as my gold.”
Your pirate whispers these sweet nothings in one ear, and his sidekick reiterates into your other, “Squak! Almost as much!”


Emily said...

bwahahaha! That is awesome. You crack me up!

Grandma Sony said...

Sorry - rotfl - you did great. And all of it true - but there is just something about Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) - when I look at him I see Edward Scissorhands - and . . .

Jana said...

Or you could think that vampires that will suck the life out of you or a werewolf that will rip you to shreads is hot...

Melissa C said...

I love this! Hysterical!

Housewife on Fire said...

NOT hot.

{Thanks for the laughs!!!}

~Christine~ said...

So True! Love it! Thanks for putting it all into perspective!

Michelle said...

Jack Sparrow is still hot to me. Maybe not ALL pirates, but he is!! Wow!! I can't wait till next weekend btw.

Ryan said...

The "booty" comment was hilarious. I guess being a pirate for halloween is out. I wasn't going to be one anyway, but it's good to know that it is out.

Tara Mc said...

Oh Man!!! There go all my romantic daydreams! I'm right with you on the controversy thing. I love a good debate but always find myself being swayed by whoever I'm talking to at the time.(On most topics.) But way to jump into the icy cold pool. Books have to have drama, or you're right, it's just mush. Then again, working together to slay the dragon is so much more fun to read than the two that spend most of the book arguing about who should actually wield the sword. Lovin' your blog!!